ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
