It's a beautiful day for a hangover
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
