I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize