Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
