i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
