What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
