Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
