I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
