oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
