On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
you never un-have a 4some
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
