Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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