Can i not drive my cunt home
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
