I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
