I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I FOUND THE LEGS
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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