I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
