Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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