dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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