life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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