Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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