My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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