When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
