well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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