What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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