I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
