Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
