im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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