If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
