She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
