we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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