Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
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My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
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I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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