happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
