booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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