I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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