meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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