should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
