I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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