We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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