Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
