Your face is a jimmy john
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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