Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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