If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
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