How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
