Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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