I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
