dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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