he puts the penis in happiness.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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