Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
