Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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