Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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