she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
