Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
