I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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