GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
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I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
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I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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