Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
