dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
