1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
